Got into work today, kind of happy, kind of not. Chatted with a former student from Uganda who claims he is in danger, checked my email, got some coffee... you know, the usual. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately - soul searching, seeking... and trying to find my way. It is clear that I am at my best and happiest when I am in Uganda, but WHY? That has been the #1 question for me over the past 2 years. What is it about Uganda? Is it possible to find that same fulfillment, peace, joy and love here in America? Is it possible to be THAT happy wherever I am in the world? My spiritual advisors and friends tell me yes, but so far that has not yet been my experience. My family is here, I have a great job here, my friends are here, running water and electricity are here, but why is it that those things are not enough to make me truly happy? (Ugh. "Enough." I feel guilty even writing that, but that's how it feels.)
This morning, my thoughts were racing - a negative, dull hum, quite similar to the noisy, broken AC unit behind my desk. "I'm tired. I'm too fat. I'm not good enough. The damn AC unit is broken. What's wrong with me? I'm not a good friend. I'm scared. I'm alone. I can't do it." ...and on and on! It wasn't until I noticed the AC unit's rattle, that I noticed and listened to these thoughts flowing through my own head. What is that?!
I do know that whatever THAT is, is absolutely silenced and gone upon arrival to Uganda. The hum of the world and the buzz of insecurity, of anxious apartness, of not enough is GONE. For me, the struggle, the inner fight is over and I am in the flow of life, my soul is content and I am at peace with myself and the universe. I've tried explaining self-loathing to my Ugandan friends. How it can be common for Americans to hate their own bodies, to spend tens of thousands of dollars to see plastic surgeons to alter the way they look, to spend hours crying, analyzing, comparing, and staring into the mirror pinching fat or wishing to be different. (That could be and probably will be an entirely different post.) My Ugandan friends drop their jaws and stare, utterly confused. First, how does anyone get that much money, and WHY would they spend it on that?!? And second, why on Earth would someone hate themselves or want to change the way God made them?
Ah, if only I viewed the world (and myself) that way.
The things that torment me and many of my friends seem not only trivial but entirely useless and FALSE in the faces of poverty, death, sickness, homelessness, and orphaned children. How can I hate myself so much, after all that God has given me? All the chances and opportunities I've been given... a loving family, 2 healthy parents, a huge house to live in, education, friends, clothes, a car to drive, and on and on. How can I tell myself, "I am not enough. I am not worthy of love." When it is clear that I AM loved not only by God, but by so many others? Looking in the faces of starving children abandoned on the streets, orphaned by disease, war, or otherwise I can see just how much I love them and how nothing else matters. If I can see they are the most precious, beautiful beings, just because they ARE, then is it not true for me as well? And certainly, the things they have or don't have, the way they look or dress, the things they say- do not even matter at all. It is WHO they are that matters, and who we all are, are children of God. I try to remember these valuable experiences and lessons every day, but for some reason it becomes harder the longer I'm on American soil. Maybe this is the next step or test on my spiritual journey? I do not know. In today's "work, eat, sleep, accumulate, win, hoard, protect, secure" life, it is scary to let go or break out of what is familiar. Doubt and fear dog my every move, but I continue. I do not know what God has in store for me, but ever faithfully, I try and fall, and try again.
Giving love and working to help others has shown me so much, and has given me great freedom in my own life. It is my experience that when I have faith and leap, or take risks in service to others, God not only catches me but gives me a blissful life worth living. Maybe for me there are more adventures and challenges ahead? (I hope so, I'm only 28, afterall!) Perhaps, settling into a secure, "normal" life would be lovely and is for most people, but unfortunately/fortunately for me I am called and pushed to do more. Some days, I wish I wasn't, but I am starting to appreciate who and what I am, and what I stand for, and I am beginning to trust it.
Thanks for reading my rambles if you made it this far. :)
Love,
Katie
You are a great friend and we are all dogged by insecurity and a feeling of apartness. You are on the right path. I adore you :)
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